Test. Is this thing on?
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Maybe I'm not ready for you to read this, which is why I posted it on my less recent blog which hopefully you know nothing about. I just can't keep them all inside any longer and I need to let these things out or it will eat me alive. I'm just gonna rant randomly coz my thoughts are scattered at the moment. Someday I'll get to think straight and make more sense... When asked if you want to go through with it, your answer was no, because you were not ready. It was only about your readiness, and not because of someone. Maybe coz you haven't really made up your mind yet and not do something you will regret. You once said you don't want us to end, but it might all be just words. I had to clarify your definition of "us" because maybe you don't want "other things" to end either. It irritates me when you heave a sigh when you're about to go or leave, if it annoys you that much, why go through with it? Maybe coz you want it too. Sorry is never enough, sometimes you actually have to change. Maybe you just don't really want to. What difference does it make if you come clean now, than do it later? It won't be less painful for anyone. Most definitely not for me. Then again, maybe it doesn't matter. Sometimes I feel like I'm climbing up for a big fall. I feel like I'm being placed in a pedestal, only to be pushed and take a hard fall. Maybe I just didn't care. You said such great and wonderful things when asked what you will do if you can have it your way. I just couldn't understand what's keeping you from making it happen. Maybe it was just the booze talking. Sometimes, it's hard to pretend you're strong and unaffected. But there are days, you have no choice but to keep doing it. Keep a straight face no matter how hard and just hide in the shadows when you break down and cry. How I long for the day to come where I won't need any more pretending nor crying. Maybe it will never come. It's hard to hold on to something that you know would never be yours in any way you think of, you just have to learn to let go and face the fact that while some good things never last... maybe some don't even start. You once said you want to be proud to have me in your life. But it cannot happen. Maybe it never will. It's all a matter of choices you make in life. If you're not willing to risk it all, Maybe you don't want it bad enough. I wanted to fight for us, but then I get to thinking, maybe there was not even an "us" to begin with. Maybe you won't let me fight, because you wouldn't do the same. I wanted so much to trust you and be patient with you, but with all these things that don't make sense. It's even harder than it seems. All I can think of now is how I'm not even worth all the trouble. Maybe I was just being stupid and pathetic to believe I was otherwise. And all I can ask God at this point is: when will it be me? Will it ever be me? MAYBE.